Unconsciously conscious...

Sometimes in order to really appreciate life one must lose everything…. Or in my case nearly lose their life. I was recently hospitalized and the only person who stayed until my discharge was my mother. Not one call…not one text…not one person knew I was admitted to Northwestern [ where I received SUPERB service btw and the nurses AND doctors were HOT AF ]. I realized laying there in agony unable to breathe hooked up to all of these machines…. that social media has us all so disconnected. I used to have so many friends… so many daily incoming calls. Yet my phone almost never rings…or dings…or buzzes…unless is Music related. Laying there with just my mother made me realize that I have no friends… at all. I also thought about the fact that stressing over everything I wanted in life and over things I couldn’t do landed me there. In life sometimes the worst situations produce the best outcomes. I realize now how important it is to give people flowers while they can still smell them. I realize how important it is to just pick up the phone to say “hey”. I was tempted to take a photo of myself in that hospital bed but then I thought “now why on EARTH” would I do that? Attention seeking in the worst way… is what a lot of my peers do via social media… and I hate it. So for me to do the same would make me a hypocrite. Instead…. I laid there lost in thought…

I thought about all the mistakes I have made in life…and I thought about all of the setbacks…and disappointments… and after hours of doing this I made a firm decision; that when I get out of the hospital and make a full recovery; I vowed to live life differently. I vowed to be more patient with my kids…to never settle… and to stop beating myself up over things I cannot control.

Over the past 6 years I have heard time and time again that I am a great mother… yet somehow my inability to finish school on time or keep a job makes it hard to agree. But laying in that hospital bed made me realize that I really have no one. Why do I allow myself to become stressed and depressed when often times I am carrying the world on my shoulders…? I am honestly surprised I didn’t land myself in the ER sooner.

I am a great mom. I am a great person. I am trying the best that I can in life and yes sometimes I will fall short; but my persistence and unwillingness to give up is what makes me who I am. It is what will lead me to a path of success and happiness. Michael Jordan said “I have failed. I failed over and over and over again. That is why I succeed.” It is through my failures that I learn. It is through my failures that I grow. And it is through my failures that I gain perspective. Every single time I fall, I get back up just a bit stronger. Every time I lose, in time I realize it wasn’t completely a loss. There is a blessing in every lesson… my blessing was realizing that my inability to keep calm and overthinking/stressing is life threatening.

For entirely too long I have allowed my past to haunt me and my future to put me in a frenzy. No longer can I physically or mentally subject myself to that type of torture. One day at a time… is how I am choosing to face life. I will take things just simply one day at a time…giving my best each and every day. I believe that there will be a time when I no longer feel the way I have gotten so used to feeling. There will be a day when I focus on all that I have accomplished vs what needs to be accomplished. And lastly, I hope that one day I can feel complete happiness again.

There are times I want to scream…cry… and break down. Often times I do. But moving forward I am considering new healthy ways to release the anger, sadness, and depression that is crippling me. The best thing that I have done for myself thus far is forgive those that are not sorry. I forgive my father for being a hypocrite and for being verbally abusive. I forgive the father of my children for leaving me to raise twins alone. I forgive all the bullies that convinced me at a young age I wasn’t pretty enough or I wasn’t special. I forgive the guys that lied to get what they wanted from me. I forgive all the people I once called friends who stole, lied, and cheated me. I forgive the manager who intentionally got me fired from the best job that I ever had in my life. I forgive my mom for being sad as a mother… because I too experience a similar sadness. I forgive the girls who set me up for rape. I forgive the people that jumped me. I forgive those who intentionally spread rumors about me. I forgive my property manager for all the threats of eviction and the blatant disregard for me and my children’s wellbeing. I forgive myself for being so naïve and so gullible in life. I forgive myself for loving the undeserving. And I forgive myself for not loving me the way I should have.

Nearly losing my life made me realize how precious life is and how much I took it for granted. Love more…talk more…express yourself….be who you want to be in life… because in the end it’ll be just you. Not your friends, family, peers, or significant other. Just you. Do what makes you happy in life. Surround yourself around those that encourage you…enlighten you… make you stronger not weaker. Though I am still in pain and there will be some time before I make a fully recovery; I am taking things just one day at a time; as should you. To all of my readers God bless and try your best not to stress… it can cost you everything.